The Long Awaited Update

I just sat down to finally update my blog, but to be honest I hope I am not able to finish. I am waiting for my phone to ring and dash off to the hospital tonight!  The preparations have been made; my house is clean, I have meals prepared in my freezer, the diaper bag is packed, and the car seat is in the car – any moment now! I am so excited to meet our little blessing….our SON.

I have received so many messages, emails, phone calls, and text – yes, everything is fine. I just haven’t had time to write lately. Things have been busy at the church, and we have been doing our best to get a little ahead.

God has been so good – I get excited to share our story with others. It’s been encouraging for me to speak to many people about our journey to adoption. I know God has brought this special plan into our lives to share it with others.  Everyone faces difficulties and trials, and I can relate with them to a certain degree and share God’s grace in my life. I can have peace and rest because I know God is in control and His plan is always perfect – He makes no mistakes.

It has been a considerable time since the last time I wrote, so I won’t be able to share all the details with you. However, I will give you a brief version of what the future looks like for our little family.

Our baby boy’s due date was moved from September 2^nd to August 25th. From what the doctor says baby is doing very well and seems to be quite healthy and strong. All along they thought he would come early, so each week I would prepare for his arrival. His due date came and went – nothing. The birthmother went to the clinic yesterday (Friday) and they said if he doesn’t come this weekend then they will induce her on Monday. They were fairly certain he would come this weekend. He hasn’t made his grand entrance yet, so maybe he will debut on Sunday – perfect for my husband who is a pastor! ;)

I wish I could share all the details of how the Lord has affirmed and reaffirmed us during this past month. I am hesitant to share many details so publicly on my blog for a variety of reasons.  I love to talk about adoption so you can speak to me anytime, and I would be happy to share with you our experience.

Here is what we can expect when we receive the call.

Kevin and I will go to the hospital as soon as the birthmother starts labor. I have been invited to be part of the birthing experience, which I gladly accepted. Let me just stop here, and ask you to pray for me specifically during this time. I know this will be tremendously difficult for me and I need you to pray for emotional strength during this crucial time. It has been my constant prayer that the birth mother would come to know Christ as her Savior and also that the Lord would show her mercy during labor. It will be very challenging for me to watch her go through labor. I can honestly say I would much rather take the physical pain, than to go through the emotional turmoil of watching. The Lord has given me real victory and I know this is God’s plan, however, I know I will watch her go through labor and wish it could be me. Please pray the Lord will give me wisdom and discernment during this critical time.

I really don’t know much of the details for the rest of the hospital stay other than it is the most crucial part of the infant adoption plan. Please keep this in your prayers. Kevin and I have been given no reason to worry or fret about this important time, but in the back of my mind I’m still uneasy about the whole ordeal.

Once everyone has been released from the hospital we will then go to a neutral location and have an entrustment ceremony. This is not the standard procedure; typically the hand-off happens at the hospital. It isn’t out of the ordinary either though, and the birthmother asked if we would be willing to comply.  This is another crucial point that I am trusting the Lord to help. I am sure by this time we will be very tired, which will make us even more emotionally vulnerable.  We will need God’s strength and grace in a way we will have never imagined. I have been told this will be the single most difficult thing I will ever have done in my life. My husband and I would appreciate your prayers.

Well, I’ve said all I’m going to say tonight and no baby news. L Maybe tomorrow…

The Direction of Our Faith - Written by Kevin

Throughout life there will be many joys and sorrows, comforts and trials. There is often a stronger emphasis on faith during trials. Many times faith can be a hindrance from moving forward for God because it is not channeled in the right direction. Often it is thought that with enough faith the trials will be taken away and peace will reign. True faith will give the peace needed through the greatest of trials because it is not in the removal of the trial, but in God that carries His children through the trials.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus spoke about the unbelief of people and said, “If ye have faith as a grain of a mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.”  During the many months of being told that we could not have children biologically, we prayed and knew that God could still give us children if He desired. We claimed verses such as Matthew 17:20 and many others that mention about praying in faith, believing. Nothing seemed to happen (having children biologically) even though we prayed, but something did happen in our hearts. God began to work in our hearts reminding us, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD (Isaiah 55:8)”.

During this journey I came across many Bible passages to help me settle this in my heart. The night we shared our trial openly with the church, I preached on the verses God used in my life. We can find different accounts of people who prayed, received, and God was praised. Others prayed, but the trial was not removed and God received great glory! Yet others cried out to God for their desires repeatedly, God granted their request, but smote many with a plague. For sake of time I have only written a few accounts from the Bible.

The Apostle Paul

Paul is remembered as the great missionary that took the gospel throughout the known world. Through the inspiration of God he wrote nearly half of the New Testament. Paul was greatly used of God in starting many New Testament churches, and for standing boldly for the faith. In the midst of his great service for God, he had what he described as a “thorn in the flesh.” We do not know exactly what this “thorn in the flesh” was although some speculate that it was his eye sight. We do know from the account of II Corinthians 12:8 that he prayed three times for it to depart from his life.

Three specific times he pleaded with God that it be removed but nothing happened. Was it because he did not have enough faith? What if he fasted and prayed longer? What if he had the other apostles anoint him with oil and pray over him? These are thoughts that have gone through my mind during the trial that God has given to us. By His grace, God helped us understand that it is not simply having faith that things will happen the way “I want,” but having faith that “God is in control.” Many times we say we have faith, but our faith is not in the idea that God knows what is best, but in our idea of what we think is best.

At first Paul began to pray that his “thorn in the flesh”, which was a messenger of Satan to buffet him, would be removed. The only answer he received was, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” God was using this infirmity to make Paul the man he needed to be so God would receive the glory and not man. God can bring trials into our lives to shape and mold us so He will receive the glory He deserves.

The Lord Jesus Christ

Another person who prayed three times for the removal of a trial was Jesus Christ our Lord. At first we would stop and think, “Why would Jesus pray that a trial be removed, wasn’t He God in the flesh?” Yes, Jesus is God, born of a virgin who lived a sinless life so that He could die for our sins and make a way for man to be redeemed back to God. Just hours before He was taken away by a band of men to be falsely tried and crucified, Jesus was in the Mount of Olives speaking with His Father. Jesus knew what was ahead of Him, and he prayed so earnestly that His sweat was as great drops of blood (Luke 22:44). It was not necessarily the death that He feared, or even the beatings that He would face, but it was the thought of God turning His back on Him as He took upon Himself the sins of the world. We cannot fully understand this thought, but we know as Jesus hung on the cross, He cried out to His Father, “My God, My God, Why hast thou forsaken me?” As Jesus prayed in the garden, He prayed, “If it be possible, let this cup pass from me, nevertheless, not my will but thine.”

Many times we begin this prayer. We pray, “If it be possible, let this trial pass from me,” but so many times we never give God the option having His will done in our lives. There was no other way that redemption could be brought to mankind except through the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the cross. Jesus suffered death, the punishment for our sins, so that God’s name would be glorified. Jesus desired the glory of God and salvation of man more than comfort for Himself.  During trials we often think the best way for God to receive glory is to remove the trial. Many times He receives the most glory by taking us through the middle of the trial as He walks beside us each step of the way.

The Children of Israel

The children of Israel are an instance in the Bible of a group of people who begged God until He fulfilled their desires (Numbers 11). They had such a craving and desire for meat that they began complaining to Moses.  In I Corinthians 10:6 the Bible says they lusted after evil things. Was the meat they desired really evil? No, the law was not against eating meat but God still called it evil. What would make this meat evil in the eyes of God? Their desire for meat became greater than their desire for God, which made it evil in the eyes of God. Their desire for meat became a hindrance with their relationship with God and caused bitterness and resentment toward God. We must be very careful that our desire for things (even good things) never becomes greater than our desire for God Himself. We must never allow our faith in acquiring things to replace our faith in God.

God gave the children of Israel what they desired; not for one night, nor ten, or even twenty nights, but He gave them meat for a full month! In the midst of feasting, God sent a plague which caused many to get sick and some even died. God taught them that it is not people, things, or food that will satisfy our desire, but only God Himself.

Conclusion

We battle with trials and difficulties throughout our life and we may give excuses why we deserve an easy life. We tell God we could serve Him better if He gave us ____?____, and we could accomplish more if He removed_____?_____. We must stop and always keep our eyes on God. Remember that He knows what is best for His children and what will bring the greatest glory to His name.

Anna and I had to realize that our desire for children should never overpower or replace our thoughts of the One who created us, who loves us with an everlasting love, and wants what is best for our lives. When we understood this, we learned faith defined and how we can have the peace of God, even if we cannot see the end result. Often we look for the light at the end of the tunnel in vain, because Christ is the light and He is walking beside us.

- Written by Kevin

Prayer Request

When you think of me, could you please specifically pray for these two things?

1) Please pray for my husband and I tomorrow (Tuesday, July 26) at 8:30 AM. This will be another BIG day and Kevin and I will need lots of wisdom.

2) Although I haven't ever mentioned the cost of adoption, it is considerable. This week we applied for our final grant. We are prayerful that one of the organizations will be able to assist us. We know God has guided and led us in this direction and we trust Him to provide.

There are several more personal prayer requests, but those are two I feel comfortable sharing at the moment.

Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and love. We have been overwhelmed by the kind response, encouragement, and prayers by so many of you. Thank you!

PS - Only 38 days until baby's due date! :)

THE CALL

June 27, 2011
What started as an ordinary day would end as one of the best days of our lives! We will never forget how the Lord blessed us on June 27th.

Monday is one of our favorite days! Kevin and I often catch up on projects around the house or take the day off on Monday. Since we had recently finished our home study we thought we should start painting the baby’s room. We were having a great day together and it felt good to get things accomplished in our home. Kevin was painting the bedroom a buttercream yellow and we were brainstorming about decorating ideas. I was in the kitchen attempting to make my first ever strawberry freezer jam. J During the middle of this messy task, my phone rang. I looked down and immediately had butterflies in my stomach when I saw Elisa's name. I quickly answered the phone and began pacing the floor. A quick flashback of our last conversation popped into my head. "Elisa told me she would instantly let me know if she was calling concerning a question", I thought. Elisa was very chirpy on the phone and asked how we were doing, she asked about our anniversary, and on and on....to be honest I was getting annoyed. “Why is she so chatty?” I thought, but secretly I was hoping it was THE CALL. Finally, she asked if I was with Kevin. At that moment I KNEW exactly what she was going to tell us. I got all shaky when I turned on the speaker phone. Elisa was elated to share that birthmother “P” had chosen our profile and was very impressed! There were eleven profiles and birthmother “P” was glued to our little profile book that was never intended to be in her hands. Her social worker urged her to look through the other copies, but “P” never wavered. The emotions of that moment were overwhelming and powerful. I burst into tears. I cried and cried and cried....(I still cry when I think of that moment)

After we hung up Kevin and I were overjoyed!  We couldn't sit still - we couldn't focus, we were so thrilled! We went out to dinner to celebrate our answer to prayer and of course we had to go and buy our little guy some clothes!

There is no doubt in our minds that God is in control. Seventeen short days after completing our home study we had a placement! Just writing about our story gives me goose bumps as I reflect on God's goodness. His plan is always perfect.

I started a journal to my baby boy on June 27th. Love him so much....I can't wait to hold him!

This is a picture of the front cover of THE profile book. :)

Stay tuned to hear about the day we met birthmother “P”. J  

A Bump in the Road

Our profile books were finally finished, approved, and ready to be ordered. I "randomly" decided to order a 5x7 paperback book for a personal keepsake. It wasn't a random act at all though, because it was the very book that linked us to our (future) son. I made sure to order the nicest 8x10 hardcover profile books for the birthmothers to look through. Little did I know the paperback book was faster to process and would be delivered just a couple days later.

June 20, 2011

The morning of June 20th was frustrating as I attempted to call the UPS store to find our order. No help – it was already on the truck and there was no way to get a hold of the driver. I prayed and waited for the brown truck to pull in our driveway carrying the hardcover books. If birthmother “P” was to view our profile at 2:00 that afternoon we desperately needed the profiles! The clock struck one 'o clock and we left the house with the "random” paperback book I intended to use as a keepsake. We arrived at Bethany right before the social worker got into her car to meet birthmother "P". After passing off the book, Kevin and I breathed a sigh of relief. Even if nothing came of it, at least we knew we did our best.

Later that night, what do you think was lying on our doorstep? Of course- the three, beautiful 8x10 hardcover profile books!

June 23, 2011

We were on our way to Indiana for our anniversary and we stopped into the Bethany's East Lansing office to visit Elisa (our case worker and now precious friend). She had the official copy of our home study that needed our final signatures. As my husband and I sat and signed our official home study it was a strange feeling to sign a paper that took so much time and effort to complete. It took Elisa forty hours to write and that is not including all the visiting time, emailing, phone calls, etc. What a labor of love!

My husband and I asked about birthmother “P” and if she had selected a family yet. Elisa reassured us that we would receive an email notifying us of her decision or a phone call if we were the chosen family. I mentioned in passing, “Please don’t call me for questions then because my stomach will be in knots when I see your name on my phone!” We laughed and Elisa said, “If I do call you with questions, I will begin the conversation with – I’m only calling concerning such and such….” I didn’t think too much about that little conversation until just four days later...

The Beginning of the End

So much is happening around our home at the moment. I thought I would take some time to get you caught up on our lives.

June 14, 2011

This day was quite significant in the fact that we received birthmother “P’s” profile. This is an email with basic information about a birthmother who is choosing an adoption plan for her child. Also included in this profile is information concerning the birthfather, medical records, details concerning the pregnancy, and the birthmother’s explanation for choosing adoption. The adopted family can then notify Bethany and say “yes” please show our profile or “no” please do not share our profile. We had received two other profiles, but for a variety of reasons our profiles were not shown. On this particular occasion, Kevin and I prayed and both felt that we would like birthmother “P” to view our profile. This would be the first time our profile would be shown.

I wasn’t quite prepared emotionally for this process. Each email we received I would cry as I read the profile. I would wonder about the little life whose destiny was hanging in the balances. I would pray for the birthmother, especially when there were difficult circumstances involved. It broke my heart and I wanted to help everyone. Although I knew God had someone special for us, someone that He had already chosen for our family.

Birthmother “P” would be viewing family profiles on June 20^th. This was a bit of crunch time on our part and a whole lot of faith. As mentioned earlier we finished out home study on June 10th. The process for domestic, infant adoption through Bethany Christian Services is that the birthmother actually chooses the forever family for her child. For this reason it is very important you have an impressive profile book (the one I mentioned I had spent over 24 hours preparing). In this profile book are pictures and lots of information about the adoptive family. Because our home study finished faster than we anticipated, we hadn’t had our profiles completely finished or shipped for that matter!

We went right to work to finish the profile books and have them delivered on our doorstep before the meeting on June 20^th.

Desperate Need for Older Child Adoption

Today my friend emailed me a link to a blog speaking about the desperate need of adoption, specifically older children. It touched my heart and I thought I would share it with you. The picture before the article made me tear up. It's a photo of a grandmother, mother, biological daughter, and a teenager who was adopted from the foster care system. What selfless love for someone to open their heart and home to a child who needs a forever family! Adoption is a powerful decision that affects so many lives. I hope you will enjoy this article.

 http://raisinghomemakers.com/

Adoption: The Heart of the Gospel (John Piper)

When we were considering adoption I wanted to get my hands on anything and everything I could about the topic. I educated myself on the process and laws. I read lots of books and searched the Internet for information. I studied the Bible passages about adoption and sought to hear preaching concerning adoption. Sadly there were very few Bible messages on the topic. Naturally, I feel adoption would make a great series of sermons! I do understand that there may be a few controversial thoughts about John Piper and his ministry but his message on adoption was very encouraging to me. I would strongly encourage you to take some time to listen.


Adoption: The Heart of the Gospel (John Piper)

Steps to Adoption

I have had several people ask about the process to adopt. I thought I would give you a little idea of the steps taken to complete a home study. Here is a brief version of our home study time table. It's different for everybody, so don't listen to the horror stories. If God has called you to adopt, He will open the doors. Our home study was relatively smooth and quick!

February 3, 2011 – God opened the door for us to adopt. We began to pray the Lord would clearly direct our path. We felt the Lord was leading us to domestic infant adoption through Bethany Christian Services .

March 7, 2011 - Attended domestic adoption orientation meeting

There were about a dozen couples who were at the meeting. There were couples of various ages, backgrounds, and family situations. It was great to meet other people who had the same heart for adoption. After this meeting we completed the following:

•  Pre-Application Form – This was a basic application form we filled out before we were   “officially” accepted.
• Statement of Personal Faith – Both my husband and I had to write our individual statements of faith.
• Online Formal Application – Once our pre-application form was accepted, we received the online formal application. This was quite lengthy and included quite a bit of information about our residence, finances, employment, education, marriage, and childhood.
• Six Reference Letters – We begged and pleaded with friends and family to give us a good reference! J

March 31, 2011 – First home study visit at Bethany Christian Services

This visit was by far the most difficult. We were very anxious and nervous as this meeting marked the beginning of our home study. It was nearly three hours long and it took quite a bit of physical, mental, and emotional strength. We were asked very serious questions concerning our plans, expectations, and comfort level of adoption. During this meeting we had to either say ”yes” , “ no”, or  “will consider” for a list of physical, emotional, and mental challenges in a child. There were about three pages of items we had to mark. Three pages! We were so overwhelmed that I was quite physically sick after this meeting for about the next week. So many people thought I was pregnant during this time. Little did they know! I believe my labor for my child began at this point. Adopted mothers may not labor physically, but they have a lengthy process that they labor through emotionally.  

April 6, 2011 – Second home study visit at our home
During this visit our social worker walked through our home and inspected things such as fire alarms, fire extinguishers, and carbon monoxide detectors. We had to explain what we would do to make our home “child-friendly”.  Once again, this meeting was about three hours and was mainly a leisurely chat getting to know us.

April 19, 2011 – Third home study visit at our home (individual sessions)
This was the longest home study visit. Our social worker interviewed us together about our marriage and such, and then separately for about 1 ½ hours each about our childhood, background, and experiences. By the end of this interview our social worker pretty much knew everything there was to know about us.

April 26, 2011 – Fourth home study visit

This visit was short, sweet, and wrapped up the final details on our adoption plan. At the end of this visit my mom and Kevin’s mom came over to meet our case worker. This was a great way to include our family and for them to ask any questions.

Writing the Home Study - During this time our social worker had to write our home study. This is a formal, legal document that the judges will review. It typically takes about six weeks for the case worker to complete the study. This includes writing the study, review of the study, corrections, printing, and formal approval to enter the program. By the time it was finished it our home study was 13 pages of fine print!

Profile Page – While our social worker was writing our home study we had to assemble a profile page. This includes pictures and information that introduces a prospective adoptive family to an expectant parent (s) considering adoptive placement. This was another high in my emotional labor of the adoption. I had to write a letter to the birthmother! I will write a post about birthmothers later, but so often I would begin the letter only to drop my pen in tears. You can see a similar copy of the letter on our  online profile page.

Profile Photo Book – This was extremely time consuming. I spent nearly 24 hours on this book…but it’s beautiful if I can say so myself! J After a birthmother reviews our profile page, she may wish to know more about our family. This profile photo book was designed for us to share our story with her through pictures and lots of text. We have two books at the Grand Rapids office and one at the Lansing office.

June 10, 2011 – HOME STUDY FINISHED!

I can honestly say the home study wasn't as bad as I had heard. The process went very smoothly thanks to Elisa, our sweet social worker. I just love that girl! It does take lots of time, commitment, patience, and prayer. I'm praying that someone reading this will feel called to adopt and begin their home study. What a beautiful gift! My heart is full and I have so much I could say right now. I have to be careful not to post too much information at one time. It can be overwhelming to process all at once. Thanks again for all your love and support.

Adoption Vocabulary

Yes, adoption comes with its very own vocabulary! If you were anything like me before we started the adoption process, you may not know how to tactfully speak on the subject. Our words reflect our values and emotions. They wound or heal, alienate or educate. When we share our exciting news to others it can be uncomfortable as people stumble for the right words to say. Here is a list that may help you...

Rather than…                                   We suggest…

Real parent (s)                                  Birthparent (s), Birthmother, Birthfather
Natural parent (s)                            Biological parent (s)
Unwed mother                                 Single parent
Real child                                          Birthchild
Illegitimate child                              Child of unmarried parents
Put up for adoption                         Make an adoption plan
Give up for adoption                       Choose adoption
Is adopted                                         Was adopted
Keep a child                                      Parent a child
Hard to place child                          Child with special placement needs
Unwanted pregnancy                     Unplanned, unintended, or untimely pregnancy
Find parents                                     Search for birthparents
Foreign adoption                             Intercountry adoption
Adoptee                                            Someone who was adopted
“Gotcha Day”                                  Family Day of Adoption Day

Here is also a small list of ideas I received from this website, http://library.adoption.com/articles/adoption-language-promoting-a-positive-image.html
Credits: Sandra Hayden-Dowling, MSW

1) As in the case of race or gender, the fact a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it is absolutely essential to the story. If it is mentioned, the relevance must be clear in the context of the story.

2) Mentioning adoption when it is not relevant wrongly implies a separate category of family relationship. Adoption is a legal event, not an immutable personal trait.

3) An adopted person's parents (those who are raising the child) should be referred to simply as father, mother or parents. The man and woman who shared in the child's conception can be referred to as the birth, genetic or biological parents (not "real" or "natural" parents, etc.) We are the child's parents.

4) The media should avoid terms such as "abandoned" or "given up," both for accuracy and sensitivity reasons. It usually is inaccurate to refer to children available for adoption as orphans. In many cases, the birth parents are alive.

5) Children also should not be referred to as abandoned or unwanted, unless they were actually found abandoned. Sociological or legal factors often force birth parents to relinquish their parental rights and make a child available for adoption; that is very different from abandoning them or "giving them up." In the interest of accuracy, birth parents can be said to have placed the child for adoption, made an adoption plan, made them available for adoption, or transferred parental rights.

6)The reason why people adopt is not usually relevant to a story. Infertility often plays a role, but so do other factors, and many adopt simply because this is a joyful way to make a family. Language suggesting that parents "couldn't have a baby of their own" is inaccurate. These children are our own by law and by love. Such language suggests adoption is second best, and that can be hurtful. *** I feel very strongly about this one! Never will my child be "second best". He/she is God's best for us. The child God gives to us is completely planned and CHOSEN! :) I do not want my child being referred to as the "adopted child". No, he/she is MY child! :) Ok, sorry....I have very strong feelings and opinions and I don't think you should make distinguishing remarks about how a child became part of a family. God chooses different ways to build families. Enough said...

7) The phrase "a child of their own" is an inappropriate reference to birth children.

Gratitude

Journal Entry on May 18, 2011 
I just finished reading my story to adoption. I have a huge feeling of gratitude toward my Saviour. He has guided and led me through this journey. Nothing has touched my life that hasn't first passed though the hands of God. Never once has He left me.

I can’t even see the full beauty of God’s plan yet, but I will say this –I would walk this road all over again to experience the grace of God that I have felt. This trial has given me such a sweet relationship to my heavenly Father. He knows exactly what is best for me. His plans are far greater than my own. I’m so thankful I can rest in His unfailing love.

I thought I knew what was best for me – sometimes other people still think they know what is best for me, BUT GOD is my Creator, Redeemer, and Friend. He knows me better than anyone else and loves me deeper than anyone else – don’t you think I can trust Him?

God has given both my husband and I a desire to adopt a child. After spending time praying and seeking the will of the Lord, we both feel this is exactly what God desires for us. Now I can see why God was bringing us through the trial of infertility. It wasn’t that He was withholding something from us, but it was that He had something much greater for us. We feel so privileged that God would choose us for this special opportunity. We  had to walk through the pain, sorrow, and trials of infertility to receive the special blessing God has for us. My prayer is that I will not forget what He has taught me, especially about finding my sufficiency in Him. I have come out on the other side of this trial a much stronger individual in Christ.

Words cannot express our feelings of excitement and anticipation as we prepare for the little life God is going to give us. God has given us a new desire and one that so profoundly mirrors the gospel of Jesus Christ. What a high calling! Thank you Jesus for this gift.

We welcome you to leave comments!
Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history).
Thank you

Surrender

There is something so special about the altar of complete surrender. I laid myself at the feet of Jesus. I emptied and re-emptied my heart’s desire. I like to say, I laid my heart on God’s operating table. He can do with me as He pleases – I am His servant. Jesus is all satisfying. Jesus is beautiful when we face the end of ourselves, when we realize we can’t carry the load of grief and sadness – through deep pain – God is enough. Psalm 73: 25-26 “Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” When I stumble and fall with no desire to get up, God, the giver of life is there. He is healer. He is strong. He is all powerful. He created me; I can rest in His love.

After the news that we wouldn’t be able to have children naturally, thinking about telling other people was the second most difficult thing. I knew God brought this into my life for a reason, and I stood firm that I didn’t want to waste my life. “God, if this will bring glory to you – then this is what I want. I can only do it in your strength.” I repeatedly told myself. I knew if I kept this secret in my heart, it would not help anyone and it could make me weary and eventually faint. Many days I would continue the ongoing battle against my flesh and spirit. But praise be to God, bit by bit I gave God my ambitions, desires, hopes, dreams all of which He rightly deserves. I told the Lord I would use this difficulty and make it something beautiful for Him. I have had to make a conscience decision to live every day intentionally surrendering to His will. God it’s your will, not mine – I’m weak without you. It’s only by the grace of God that I have strength to share this deeply personal heart ache. For me sharing my burden has brought healing and strength. I am completely surrendered to the Lord and satisfied in Him alone. I am at peace with my new identity, a follower of Christ. I don’t need a baby, I don’t need to be called “mommy”…I am complete in Jesus Christ!
 

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. That makes God look glorious. John Piper said, “God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him in the midst of loss”. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. I know that God is the giver of life, He is the Healer. It wouldn’t be anything for God to give us a child, but if it isn’t His will I am complete in Him alone. He can satisfy. I want God to be exalted and glorified through this situation. All His ways are good, I will trust in Him alone.

 
Please note the last six posts were taken from a journal entry I wrote on February 12, 2011. It was just nine days after receiving the news from the doctors. The Lord through much grace began a very quick healing in my heart. I walked into Biggby Coffee one day and wrote all afternoon. I walked out of the coffee shop a completely different person. Please continue to read our miraculous journey to the great, high calling of adoption. I am very eager to share all our details and how the Lord has been so faithful! J

I can never listen to this song without crying....please listen.

We welcome you to leave comments!
 Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history).
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Shattered

October came and a new gust of hope blew into my life. I finally had medical insurance, and I was able to schedule an appointment at an infertility clinic. I was excited about this appointment; I just knew the doctor was going to tell me good news. As I timidly walked into the clinic, my heart tore. “Am I really at an infertility clinic?!” I nervously asked my husband out of disbelief. The reality of it made my heart shatter all over again.

During my consultation I had to share all that had happened at the previous doctor appointments. It was really my first time sharing this intimate news with anybody. It was not easy. I had a lump in my throat and I fought to hold back my tears, I felt I couldn’t even utter the words. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing myself say to the doctor. It was now becoming more of a reality to me. Once again, the series of appointments began yet again. My husband and I were referred from one specialist to another. I was hoping, praying, pleading.

Finally, there was only one test left to complete the examination. I was very positive and had to keep myself upbeat because I knew what would happened if I didn’t. I did not want to be one of those people who walked around with a chip on my shoulder. I surrendered the results to God. I gave God my desires. I took them back – this was my dream, I can’t imagine not having children to share my love. I gave my desires back to God. I took them back.

This was an ongoing battle until February 3, 2011 when Kevin and I walked into the doctor’s office with a heart full of emotions. I was hoping for good news, praying God would grant my request. My husband and I had both surrendered our desires to Him. I nervously walked into the consultation room with a broken heart and willing to serve the Lord no matter the outcome. The doctor walked into the room. My palms were sweating. “God, please!” I uttered silently. He flipped through charts aimlessly like he didn’t really know what was going on. I wanted to reach across and grab his throat and say, “Just tell us! We have been waiting for so long….” He obviously hadn’t had much experience delivering the kind of news he was about to share with us. It wouldn’t have been described as the most thoughtful or sensitive, but at least it wasn’t during a phone call. At the moment we were told a second time it was humanly impossible for us to have children. Our world became very dark. I had never felt two emotions so strongly before in my life. I was trusting in the Lord, but it appeared that He just had taken away all of my hope. He had left me flat on my face in the sand. I was weeping. I had been so strong and at that moment I lost every ounce of strength – I was sobbing. As my husband and I walked out of that office bent over with our hands over our faces it seemed as if the world had changed. Kevin and I had been so hopeful, anticipating good news, but now all hope to us seemed gone. We sat in the car stunned at what we had just heard. I can’t describe to you the hurt and brokenness I felt, and please don’t try to say you understand unless you have been there. I felt physically sick, I was weak. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t have any desire to do anything. It all seemed so pointless. My husband and I drove to the mall after the appointment just because we didn’t want to go home. I felt it was almost dishonoring or disrespectful to go to the mall after hearing that news, but we didn’t know what to do. I walked around aimlessly wondering what I was doing there. Everywhere I looked there were babies, expectant mothers, and parenting stuff. It just added salt to my wound. We drove home completely silent, there was nothing to say.

One of the most difficult things about infertility is grieving the death of the ability to have a child naturally. When people try to say they understand, it just irritates me and makes the situation worse. My parents visited that night and just held me and prayed. There was nothing to say. It was so hard. “God! Oh, God….I need you!” was my cry into the early hours of the night.”

My brother, Andrew, sent me a text telling me that Jesus was praying for me. That was an enormous thought of comfort. Jesus, the Son of God, was praying for me! I felt a peace knowing that Jesus was holding me that night. The next morning I woke with the largest swollen eyes ever- and life continued. I thought a lot about heaven. It was a comfort to know that this world is not my home, I’m just passing through. I felt empty…I felt my heart had stopped beating. It’s interesting the way God works. My husband had been preparing a message about hope for that Sunday. I hugged him and prayed with him before he stood behind a pulpit to minister to others and give them the message of hope when we felt our own hope had been stripped away.

No one knew how we were hurting that Sunday. We had to keep going...we had responsibilities after all. I felt ashamed about the fact we couldn’t have children, I felt as if I was wearing a scarlet letter – would others look down on us? It takes so much strength and grit just to get through a day when you are faced with cruel reminders that you are different, because you cannot have children. I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I was a misfit. Even before we began our pastorate one dear lady said, “Honey, you haven’t even faced any heart ache, how are you going to minister to others?” How do you respond to such a statement?

Day after day I leaned on my Saviour. Many days I could just feel God carrying me. Looking back, I now can see I had to fall to the lowest point before I could feel God’s deepest grace. I would attempt to pick myself up from the pit of disappointment, but I failed every time when I trusted myself. I spent time talking with God, reading His Word. I found myself withdrawing from people, but I needed time to heal so I could understand my new identity in Christ. It was tough carrying on with life like everything was fine, when I was facing an enormous personal loss. It did not take long for the beautiful part to come into the journey, but before there could be victory I had to be surrendered. God broke me. I was empty – and God in His amazing love and mercy filled me with His joy and peace!

We welcome you to leave comments! Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history). Thank you

God's Waiting Room

We were not able to visit any doctors until we had medical insurance again. By August we were moving and my husband was becoming a senior pastor of a church. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to have medical insurance until October. Those six months from May-October inched by as I was wondering, “Is it really true, we can’t have children? Maybe the doctors were wrong?” I am a very proactive and positive person by nature so it made me feel better to do something. I prayed. I fasted. I studied about barren women in the Bible. I took the example of Hannah and pleaded to God for a child. During this time, I was reconnected with several friends that I hadn’t seen for a long time. It seemed that all of our friends from college had a baby or two! One by one I watched as each of my husband’s married siblings had children. We would coo and hold each one with mixed emotions. This is when infertility became a spiritual battle. I would question God’s sovereignty. I cried out to God, “I am giving you every fiber of my life, why are you withholding my desires!?” In the meantime I had to face the series of questions and insensitive remarks made by friends and family. At this point my heart was beginning to think and pray about adoption. One day as an acquaintance was fussing over her little baby in the back seat she turned and said to me, “I don’t see how anyone could love a child that they didn’t bare themselves. It just wouldn’t be the same." I sat there silently thinking about that.“Really? Will I never get to

experience a mother’s love if my children are adopted?” Ouch. The little looks. The awkward moments. “So when are you all going to pop out a little one?” a friend asked me like it was effortless job. “Oh….we are just enjoying being married and we are going to wait until we are settled” we would generically reply holding back the burning tears. After spending much time with my sister- in- laws who all had several children, I became resentful and it became extremely difficult to endure the hours and hours of baby talk. It made me feel worse that I even felt resentment! I was happy for all of my friends and family who had children, but I was still in the very early stages of grief. I didn’t know how to cope with this deeply personal and private situation. Once again I found myself stretched out crying to God for mercy and grace. I kept the faith. I prayed and hoped it wouldn’t be much longer until God answered my plea. Through this difficulty God was preparing me for the path he had chosen for me – a great, high calling!

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A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

January 2010 began the first of many doctor appointments. I was pricked and poked. In March I had been scheduled for a uterus ultrasound. Even at this point, I was so hopeful I asked the technician if by any chance she saw a little baby in there. “No!” She sharply replied. I let out a sigh of frustration. Once again, my hope had been squelched.  The test came back fine, but I was getting more restless with why I couldn’t get pregnant. During this time the Lord through a variety of circumstances lead my husband and I back to the United States after two years of serving in England. This was quite difficult because I enjoyed living and serving in England. I packed the souvenirs I had bought for my baby’s Peter Rabbit nursery I was planning. I thought, “Maybe the Lord is sending us back to America because He is going to give us a family when we return.”

I can remember the following vividly. It was Tuesday, May 4, 2010 the last day before we were to fly to the U.S.A. We were supposed to be walking out the door to attend our farewell service at the church. I was just gathering a few last minute cards and gifts to give to the children and sweet families we love in England. The phone rang. I looked at the clock, it was 4:00. We were running late. My husband answered the phone – it was the doctor’s office. Time stood still. Through the phone we were told we had no human hope of ever having children. My emotions were already in high gear from saying goodbye to countless friends that day, and both my husband and I put the news in the back of our minds as we walked out the door broken. On my way to the church I thought, “They must have made a mistake, maybe something got mixed-up. God, I am serving YOU!” I was convinced the Lord would answer our prayers when we returned to America. That night was terrible. My heart was broken over being told we wouldn’t have children, and broken again that we were leaving the people we loved. The rest of the night was filled with tears and hugs. After the service, we returned home for just a few hours before leaving early the next morning for the airport. Once the whirlwind of last minute cleaning, packing, and preparation were over and I was in my airplane seat I couldn’t even think or feel anything. I was numb. “What just happened in those 24 hours?” I thought. We stepped off the plane to be greeted by friends and family who had no clue what was going on. I threw myself in my parent’s arms. I needed so much love and approval, I wanted to know everything was going to be alright. It wasn’t until much later that they would know just how much my heart was aching. I was scheduled to speak at a Ladies Meeting two days after we arrived. To this day I don’t even remember what I said.
My hurt was deep. My head cloudy. I put a guard around my feelings and refused to believe what my husband and I had been told. I was basically in denial. I would think about it occasionally, but the thought was just too overwhelming. I would sit in church and cry through the hymn that says, “how sweet to hold a newborn baby”. I was confused – why would a good God do this to me? I wanted answers, but God wanted me to wait and trust Him. That is exactly what I did. I prayed. I trusted.

We welcome you to leave comments! Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history). Thank you

Yesterday's Dreams

I just couldn’t wait until I had a baby of my own! It’s interesting the things God allows you to remember. During my teenage years I remember saying to my mom, “My worst fear is not being able to have children.” I wanted children so badly that perhaps it was wrong. I thought maybe God would take this away from me because my desire was so strong. Then I would think of Psalm 84:11, “…no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” I desired to serve God, and I thought He wouldn’t withhold something so precious from me if I was giving Him my life. In God’s divine plan He had something planned, something perfect.

I attended a Christian college, majored in Elementary Education, and couldn’t wait for the day I would teach my children at home. I met the most wonderful man, who was raised in a large family and wanted a house full of little ones too! After three years of dating, we were married in June 2006. We eagerly anticipated the future we thought was before us.

It’s rather amusing as I look back on our first year of marriage. We both knew we were not ready for a family and we decided it would be best to wait for awhile before starting a family. Deep down inside, my hope was already building as I would think about holding a little baby in my arms. Every time I was a day late, I would purchase a pregnancy test…my hope and anticipation was building. A year later, I had the most amazing year teaching third grade in a private school. I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter of my life and we thought we were ready to start a family. Every time I felt the least bit queasy I thought it was morning sickness – I kept thinking it’s going to happen soon.
 In the meantime, the Lord directed our paths to minister in a church in England. I was thinking, “This is great– my first child will be born in England!” I packed up my classroom thinking the next time I would open those boxes it would be for my own children. It was during this time someone told us it would be best not to have children while we were missionaries in England. My husband did not tell me this however until a year later, so of course we were still trying. Let me say, having a family is a very personal decision. It is something the husband and wife should discuss as they seek the Lord for guidance, not something that necessarily needs public approval. God is ultimately the giver of life. Besides making me extremely irritated that anyone would be so rude, I was becoming more anxious as the years slipped away. It became an obsession with me. I planned. I calculated. I prayed. I hoped. I planned some more. I had our baby stroller picked out. I was ready! Why wasn’t God allowing us to have a child? It seemed month after month my hopes were squelched. I did quite a bit of research and thought maybe something was just not right. Of course, never thinking it would be something major. At this point I trusted God was in control and had a perfect plan, but I couldn’t see why He would withhold a good desire from me.

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Unconscious Preparation

When I was a young child I enjoyed playing “mommy”. I would walk around wearing an arm full of bangles, my mom’s high heels, and of course I had to have dangly earrings! I would brush my dolls' hair, bathe them, and even rock them to sleep. At times I would line my dolls on the bed and play orphanage. I would tenderly nurture and provide for my “orphans”. It amazes me that as a little girl I was thinking about adoption. The Lord was beginning to prepare my heart for something beautiful. Those vivid memories are precious to me. I’m so thankful for the unconscious preparation the Lord was doing inside me. Throughout the years to come I would think of adoption from time to time, but soon I daydreamed how my life was supposed to be. I thought I would have four children, and after my children were older I would adopt a child. I dreamed of having a big family! I longed for the precious moments praying with them, tucking them into bed with lots of hugs and kisses, and the sheer delight of motherhood! I wanted to have four children, two years apart, before I was 30. I had it all planned. I would start when I was 24, have another baby at 26, 28, and finally I would be 30 with four precious children. Beautiful picture of a perfect life, right? That is exactly how I thought my life would be – those were my plans and my expectations. Little did I know God had much bigger plans for me. The Lord says in Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts [are] not your thoughts, neither [are] your ways my ways, saith the LORD.”

We welcome you to leave comments! Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history). Thank you