I just couldn’t wait until I had a baby of my own! It’s interesting the things God allows you to remember. During my teenage years I remember saying to my mom, “My worst fear is not being able to have children.” I wanted children so badly that perhaps it was wrong. I thought maybe God would take this away from me because my desire was so strong. Then I would think of Psalm 84:11, “…no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” I desired to serve God, and I thought He wouldn’t withhold something so precious from me if I was giving Him my life. In God’s divine plan He had something planned, something perfect. I attended a Christian college, majored in Elementary Education, and couldn’t wait for the day I would teach my children at home. I met the most wonderful man, who was raised in a large family and wanted a house full of little ones too! After three years of dating, we were married in June 2006. We eagerly anticipated the future we thought was before us.
It’s rather amusing as I look back on our first year of marriage. We both knew we were not ready for a family and we decided it would be best to wait for awhile before starting a family. Deep down inside, my hope was already building as I would think about holding a little baby in my arms. Every time I was a day late, I would purchase a pregnancy test…my hope and anticipation was building. A year later, I had the most amazing year teaching third grade in a private school. I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter of my life and we thought we were ready to start a family. Every time I felt the least bit queasy I thought it was morning sickness – I kept thinking it’s going to happen soon.In the meantime, the Lord directed our paths to minister in a church in England. I was thinking, “This is great– my first child will be born in England!” I packed up my classroom thinking the next time I would open those boxes it would be for my own children. It was during this time someone told us it would be best not to have children while we were missionaries in England. My husband did not tell me this however until a year later, so of course we were still trying. Let me say, having a family is a very personal decision. It is something the husband and wife should discuss as they seek the Lord for guidance, not something that necessarily needs public approval. God is ultimately the giver of life. Besides making me extremely irritated that anyone would be so rude, I was becoming more anxious as the years slipped away. It became an obsession with me. I planned. I calculated. I prayed. I hoped. I planned some more. I had our baby stroller picked out. I was ready! Why wasn’t God allowing us to have a child? It seemed month after month my hopes were squelched. I did quite a bit of research and thought maybe something was just not right. Of course, never thinking it would be something major. At this point I trusted God was in control and had a perfect plan, but I couldn’t see why He would withhold a good desire from me.
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I've really been enjoying reading your blog!
ReplyDeleteAnna, the verse you started with: Ps. 84:11 & then at the end where you talk about God's perfect plan made me think of discussions I had with Mike just before he met Tiffany. I'm sure he won't mind me telling you about it. He had been dating a girl at BJU for awhile, his first ever girlfriend and he was in love. However, she wasn't. He kept talking about marriage with me, telling me that he knew she was God's best for him. Only problem was she didn't love him. She later broke up with him and broke his heart. He couldn't understand how she could do this to him because he knew she was God's best and anything else would only be 2nd best. I remember how sad he was as he told me he would have to settle for 2nd best and how it would hurt the 2 of them (former girl) for the rest of their lives. That night, Tiffany literally walked into his life at a sporting event. He had met her previously at a church event for college age and had hit it off, but since she wasn't "God's best" it didn't go any further.
ReplyDeleteOf course, you know they are married today and Mike laughs at himself to think that he could decide what "God's best" was. He knows now that he never had the Lord's best until Tiffany became his wife.
I'm not saying this as though we should laugh off what has happened to you, I hope you realize that. I'm just saying we don't always know what God has chosen for us, but we DO know whatever he chooses for us is His best! We can know for sure, whatever happens from here on that God only wants His best for you and I am glad you can see that, even through the hurt.
I want to thank you for putting out this blog. It really helps us to know how to pray specifically for you & Pastor Kevin. We are praying that you will soon find out God's plan in all of this.
In Christ,
Kevin Wyman