Surrender

There is something so special about the altar of complete surrender. I laid myself at the feet of Jesus. I emptied and re-emptied my heart’s desire. I like to say, I laid my heart on God’s operating table. He can do with me as He pleases – I am His servant. Jesus is all satisfying. Jesus is beautiful when we face the end of ourselves, when we realize we can’t carry the load of grief and sadness – through deep pain – God is enough. Psalm 73: 25-26 “Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” When I stumble and fall with no desire to get up, God, the giver of life is there. He is healer. He is strong. He is all powerful. He created me; I can rest in His love.

After the news that we wouldn’t be able to have children naturally, thinking about telling other people was the second most difficult thing. I knew God brought this into my life for a reason, and I stood firm that I didn’t want to waste my life. “God, if this will bring glory to you – then this is what I want. I can only do it in your strength.” I repeatedly told myself. I knew if I kept this secret in my heart, it would not help anyone and it could make me weary and eventually faint. Many days I would continue the ongoing battle against my flesh and spirit. But praise be to God, bit by bit I gave God my ambitions, desires, hopes, dreams all of which He rightly deserves. I told the Lord I would use this difficulty and make it something beautiful for Him. I have had to make a conscience decision to live every day intentionally surrendering to His will. God it’s your will, not mine – I’m weak without you. It’s only by the grace of God that I have strength to share this deeply personal heart ache. For me sharing my burden has brought healing and strength. I am completely surrendered to the Lord and satisfied in Him alone. I am at peace with my new identity, a follower of Christ. I don’t need a baby, I don’t need to be called “mommy”…I am complete in Jesus Christ!
 

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. That makes God look glorious. John Piper said, “God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him in the midst of loss”. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. I know that God is the giver of life, He is the Healer. It wouldn’t be anything for God to give us a child, but if it isn’t His will I am complete in Him alone. He can satisfy. I want God to be exalted and glorified through this situation. All His ways are good, I will trust in Him alone.

 
Please note the last six posts were taken from a journal entry I wrote on February 12, 2011. It was just nine days after receiving the news from the doctors. The Lord through much grace began a very quick healing in my heart. I walked into Biggby Coffee one day and wrote all afternoon. I walked out of the coffee shop a completely different person. Please continue to read our miraculous journey to the great, high calling of adoption. I am very eager to share all our details and how the Lord has been so faithful! J

I can never listen to this song without crying....please listen.

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