God's Waiting Room

We were not able to visit any doctors until we had medical insurance again. By August we were moving and my husband was becoming a senior pastor of a church. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to have medical insurance until October. Those six months from May-October inched by as I was wondering, “Is it really true, we can’t have children? Maybe the doctors were wrong?” I am a very proactive and positive person by nature so it made me feel better to do something. I prayed. I fasted. I studied about barren women in the Bible. I took the example of Hannah and pleaded to God for a child. During this time, I was reconnected with several friends that I hadn’t seen for a long time. It seemed that all of our friends from college had a baby or two! One by one I watched as each of my husband’s married siblings had children. We would coo and hold each one with mixed emotions. This is when infertility became a spiritual battle. I would question God’s sovereignty. I cried out to God, “I am giving you every fiber of my life, why are you withholding my desires!?” In the meantime I had to face the series of questions and insensitive remarks made by friends and family. At this point my heart was beginning to think and pray about adoption. One day as an acquaintance was fussing over her little baby in the back seat she turned and said to me, “I don’t see how anyone could love a child that they didn’t bare themselves. It just wouldn’t be the same." I sat there silently thinking about that.“Really? Will I never get to

experience a mother’s love if my children are adopted?” Ouch. The little looks. The awkward moments. “So when are you all going to pop out a little one?” a friend asked me like it was effortless job. “Oh….we are just enjoying being married and we are going to wait until we are settled” we would generically reply holding back the burning tears. After spending much time with my sister- in- laws who all had several children, I became resentful and it became extremely difficult to endure the hours and hours of baby talk. It made me feel worse that I even felt resentment! I was happy for all of my friends and family who had children, but I was still in the very early stages of grief. I didn’t know how to cope with this deeply personal and private situation. Once again I found myself stretched out crying to God for mercy and grace. I kept the faith. I prayed and hoped it wouldn’t be much longer until God answered my plea. Through this difficulty God was preparing me for the path he had chosen for me – a great, high calling!

We welcome you to leave comments! Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history). Thank you