Adoption Vocabulary

Yes, adoption comes with its very own vocabulary! If you were anything like me before we started the adoption process, you may not know how to tactfully speak on the subject. Our words reflect our values and emotions. They wound or heal, alienate or educate. When we share our exciting news to others it can be uncomfortable as people stumble for the right words to say. Here is a list that may help you...

Rather than…                                   We suggest…

Real parent (s)                                  Birthparent (s), Birthmother, Birthfather
Natural parent (s)                            Biological parent (s)
Unwed mother                                 Single parent
Real child                                          Birthchild
Illegitimate child                              Child of unmarried parents
Put up for adoption                         Make an adoption plan
Give up for adoption                       Choose adoption
Is adopted                                         Was adopted
Keep a child                                      Parent a child
Hard to place child                          Child with special placement needs
Unwanted pregnancy                     Unplanned, unintended, or untimely pregnancy
Find parents                                     Search for birthparents
Foreign adoption                             Intercountry adoption
Adoptee                                            Someone who was adopted
“Gotcha Day”                                  Family Day of Adoption Day

Here is also a small list of ideas I received from this website, http://library.adoption.com/articles/adoption-language-promoting-a-positive-image.html
Credits: Sandra Hayden-Dowling, MSW

1) As in the case of race or gender, the fact a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it is absolutely essential to the story. If it is mentioned, the relevance must be clear in the context of the story.

2) Mentioning adoption when it is not relevant wrongly implies a separate category of family relationship. Adoption is a legal event, not an immutable personal trait.

3) An adopted person's parents (those who are raising the child) should be referred to simply as father, mother or parents. The man and woman who shared in the child's conception can be referred to as the birth, genetic or biological parents (not "real" or "natural" parents, etc.) We are the child's parents.

4) The media should avoid terms such as "abandoned" or "given up," both for accuracy and sensitivity reasons. It usually is inaccurate to refer to children available for adoption as orphans. In many cases, the birth parents are alive.

5) Children also should not be referred to as abandoned or unwanted, unless they were actually found abandoned. Sociological or legal factors often force birth parents to relinquish their parental rights and make a child available for adoption; that is very different from abandoning them or "giving them up." In the interest of accuracy, birth parents can be said to have placed the child for adoption, made an adoption plan, made them available for adoption, or transferred parental rights.

6)The reason why people adopt is not usually relevant to a story. Infertility often plays a role, but so do other factors, and many adopt simply because this is a joyful way to make a family. Language suggesting that parents "couldn't have a baby of their own" is inaccurate. These children are our own by law and by love. Such language suggests adoption is second best, and that can be hurtful. *** I feel very strongly about this one! Never will my child be "second best". He/she is God's best for us. The child God gives to us is completely planned and CHOSEN! :) I do not want my child being referred to as the "adopted child". No, he/she is MY child! :) Ok, sorry....I have very strong feelings and opinions and I don't think you should make distinguishing remarks about how a child became part of a family. God chooses different ways to build families. Enough said...

7) The phrase "a child of their own" is an inappropriate reference to birth children.

Gratitude

Journal Entry on May 18, 2011 
I just finished reading my story to adoption. I have a huge feeling of gratitude toward my Saviour. He has guided and led me through this journey. Nothing has touched my life that hasn't first passed though the hands of God. Never once has He left me.

I can’t even see the full beauty of God’s plan yet, but I will say this –I would walk this road all over again to experience the grace of God that I have felt. This trial has given me such a sweet relationship to my heavenly Father. He knows exactly what is best for me. His plans are far greater than my own. I’m so thankful I can rest in His unfailing love.

I thought I knew what was best for me – sometimes other people still think they know what is best for me, BUT GOD is my Creator, Redeemer, and Friend. He knows me better than anyone else and loves me deeper than anyone else – don’t you think I can trust Him?

God has given both my husband and I a desire to adopt a child. After spending time praying and seeking the will of the Lord, we both feel this is exactly what God desires for us. Now I can see why God was bringing us through the trial of infertility. It wasn’t that He was withholding something from us, but it was that He had something much greater for us. We feel so privileged that God would choose us for this special opportunity. We  had to walk through the pain, sorrow, and trials of infertility to receive the special blessing God has for us. My prayer is that I will not forget what He has taught me, especially about finding my sufficiency in Him. I have come out on the other side of this trial a much stronger individual in Christ.

Words cannot express our feelings of excitement and anticipation as we prepare for the little life God is going to give us. God has given us a new desire and one that so profoundly mirrors the gospel of Jesus Christ. What a high calling! Thank you Jesus for this gift.

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Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history).
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Surrender

There is something so special about the altar of complete surrender. I laid myself at the feet of Jesus. I emptied and re-emptied my heart’s desire. I like to say, I laid my heart on God’s operating table. He can do with me as He pleases – I am His servant. Jesus is all satisfying. Jesus is beautiful when we face the end of ourselves, when we realize we can’t carry the load of grief and sadness – through deep pain – God is enough. Psalm 73: 25-26 “Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” When I stumble and fall with no desire to get up, God, the giver of life is there. He is healer. He is strong. He is all powerful. He created me; I can rest in His love.

After the news that we wouldn’t be able to have children naturally, thinking about telling other people was the second most difficult thing. I knew God brought this into my life for a reason, and I stood firm that I didn’t want to waste my life. “God, if this will bring glory to you – then this is what I want. I can only do it in your strength.” I repeatedly told myself. I knew if I kept this secret in my heart, it would not help anyone and it could make me weary and eventually faint. Many days I would continue the ongoing battle against my flesh and spirit. But praise be to God, bit by bit I gave God my ambitions, desires, hopes, dreams all of which He rightly deserves. I told the Lord I would use this difficulty and make it something beautiful for Him. I have had to make a conscience decision to live every day intentionally surrendering to His will. God it’s your will, not mine – I’m weak without you. It’s only by the grace of God that I have strength to share this deeply personal heart ache. For me sharing my burden has brought healing and strength. I am completely surrendered to the Lord and satisfied in Him alone. I am at peace with my new identity, a follower of Christ. I don’t need a baby, I don’t need to be called “mommy”…I am complete in Jesus Christ!
 

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. That makes God look glorious. John Piper said, “God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him in the midst of loss”. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. I know that God is the giver of life, He is the Healer. It wouldn’t be anything for God to give us a child, but if it isn’t His will I am complete in Him alone. He can satisfy. I want God to be exalted and glorified through this situation. All His ways are good, I will trust in Him alone.

 
Please note the last six posts were taken from a journal entry I wrote on February 12, 2011. It was just nine days after receiving the news from the doctors. The Lord through much grace began a very quick healing in my heart. I walked into Biggby Coffee one day and wrote all afternoon. I walked out of the coffee shop a completely different person. Please continue to read our miraculous journey to the great, high calling of adoption. I am very eager to share all our details and how the Lord has been so faithful! J

I can never listen to this song without crying....please listen.

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 Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history).
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Shattered

October came and a new gust of hope blew into my life. I finally had medical insurance, and I was able to schedule an appointment at an infertility clinic. I was excited about this appointment; I just knew the doctor was going to tell me good news. As I timidly walked into the clinic, my heart tore. “Am I really at an infertility clinic?!” I nervously asked my husband out of disbelief. The reality of it made my heart shatter all over again.

During my consultation I had to share all that had happened at the previous doctor appointments. It was really my first time sharing this intimate news with anybody. It was not easy. I had a lump in my throat and I fought to hold back my tears, I felt I couldn’t even utter the words. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing myself say to the doctor. It was now becoming more of a reality to me. Once again, the series of appointments began yet again. My husband and I were referred from one specialist to another. I was hoping, praying, pleading.

Finally, there was only one test left to complete the examination. I was very positive and had to keep myself upbeat because I knew what would happened if I didn’t. I did not want to be one of those people who walked around with a chip on my shoulder. I surrendered the results to God. I gave God my desires. I took them back – this was my dream, I can’t imagine not having children to share my love. I gave my desires back to God. I took them back.

This was an ongoing battle until February 3, 2011 when Kevin and I walked into the doctor’s office with a heart full of emotions. I was hoping for good news, praying God would grant my request. My husband and I had both surrendered our desires to Him. I nervously walked into the consultation room with a broken heart and willing to serve the Lord no matter the outcome. The doctor walked into the room. My palms were sweating. “God, please!” I uttered silently. He flipped through charts aimlessly like he didn’t really know what was going on. I wanted to reach across and grab his throat and say, “Just tell us! We have been waiting for so long….” He obviously hadn’t had much experience delivering the kind of news he was about to share with us. It wouldn’t have been described as the most thoughtful or sensitive, but at least it wasn’t during a phone call. At the moment we were told a second time it was humanly impossible for us to have children. Our world became very dark. I had never felt two emotions so strongly before in my life. I was trusting in the Lord, but it appeared that He just had taken away all of my hope. He had left me flat on my face in the sand. I was weeping. I had been so strong and at that moment I lost every ounce of strength – I was sobbing. As my husband and I walked out of that office bent over with our hands over our faces it seemed as if the world had changed. Kevin and I had been so hopeful, anticipating good news, but now all hope to us seemed gone. We sat in the car stunned at what we had just heard. I can’t describe to you the hurt and brokenness I felt, and please don’t try to say you understand unless you have been there. I felt physically sick, I was weak. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t have any desire to do anything. It all seemed so pointless. My husband and I drove to the mall after the appointment just because we didn’t want to go home. I felt it was almost dishonoring or disrespectful to go to the mall after hearing that news, but we didn’t know what to do. I walked around aimlessly wondering what I was doing there. Everywhere I looked there were babies, expectant mothers, and parenting stuff. It just added salt to my wound. We drove home completely silent, there was nothing to say.

One of the most difficult things about infertility is grieving the death of the ability to have a child naturally. When people try to say they understand, it just irritates me and makes the situation worse. My parents visited that night and just held me and prayed. There was nothing to say. It was so hard. “God! Oh, God….I need you!” was my cry into the early hours of the night.”

My brother, Andrew, sent me a text telling me that Jesus was praying for me. That was an enormous thought of comfort. Jesus, the Son of God, was praying for me! I felt a peace knowing that Jesus was holding me that night. The next morning I woke with the largest swollen eyes ever- and life continued. I thought a lot about heaven. It was a comfort to know that this world is not my home, I’m just passing through. I felt empty…I felt my heart had stopped beating. It’s interesting the way God works. My husband had been preparing a message about hope for that Sunday. I hugged him and prayed with him before he stood behind a pulpit to minister to others and give them the message of hope when we felt our own hope had been stripped away.

No one knew how we were hurting that Sunday. We had to keep going...we had responsibilities after all. I felt ashamed about the fact we couldn’t have children, I felt as if I was wearing a scarlet letter – would others look down on us? It takes so much strength and grit just to get through a day when you are faced with cruel reminders that you are different, because you cannot have children. I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I was a misfit. Even before we began our pastorate one dear lady said, “Honey, you haven’t even faced any heart ache, how are you going to minister to others?” How do you respond to such a statement?

Day after day I leaned on my Saviour. Many days I could just feel God carrying me. Looking back, I now can see I had to fall to the lowest point before I could feel God’s deepest grace. I would attempt to pick myself up from the pit of disappointment, but I failed every time when I trusted myself. I spent time talking with God, reading His Word. I found myself withdrawing from people, but I needed time to heal so I could understand my new identity in Christ. It was tough carrying on with life like everything was fine, when I was facing an enormous personal loss. It did not take long for the beautiful part to come into the journey, but before there could be victory I had to be surrendered. God broke me. I was empty – and God in His amazing love and mercy filled me with His joy and peace!

We welcome you to leave comments! Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history). Thank you

God's Waiting Room

We were not able to visit any doctors until we had medical insurance again. By August we were moving and my husband was becoming a senior pastor of a church. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to have medical insurance until October. Those six months from May-October inched by as I was wondering, “Is it really true, we can’t have children? Maybe the doctors were wrong?” I am a very proactive and positive person by nature so it made me feel better to do something. I prayed. I fasted. I studied about barren women in the Bible. I took the example of Hannah and pleaded to God for a child. During this time, I was reconnected with several friends that I hadn’t seen for a long time. It seemed that all of our friends from college had a baby or two! One by one I watched as each of my husband’s married siblings had children. We would coo and hold each one with mixed emotions. This is when infertility became a spiritual battle. I would question God’s sovereignty. I cried out to God, “I am giving you every fiber of my life, why are you withholding my desires!?” In the meantime I had to face the series of questions and insensitive remarks made by friends and family. At this point my heart was beginning to think and pray about adoption. One day as an acquaintance was fussing over her little baby in the back seat she turned and said to me, “I don’t see how anyone could love a child that they didn’t bare themselves. It just wouldn’t be the same." I sat there silently thinking about that.“Really? Will I never get to

experience a mother’s love if my children are adopted?” Ouch. The little looks. The awkward moments. “So when are you all going to pop out a little one?” a friend asked me like it was effortless job. “Oh….we are just enjoying being married and we are going to wait until we are settled” we would generically reply holding back the burning tears. After spending much time with my sister- in- laws who all had several children, I became resentful and it became extremely difficult to endure the hours and hours of baby talk. It made me feel worse that I even felt resentment! I was happy for all of my friends and family who had children, but I was still in the very early stages of grief. I didn’t know how to cope with this deeply personal and private situation. Once again I found myself stretched out crying to God for mercy and grace. I kept the faith. I prayed and hoped it wouldn’t be much longer until God answered my plea. Through this difficulty God was preparing me for the path he had chosen for me – a great, high calling!

We welcome you to leave comments! Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history). Thank you

A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

January 2010 began the first of many doctor appointments. I was pricked and poked. In March I had been scheduled for a uterus ultrasound. Even at this point, I was so hopeful I asked the technician if by any chance she saw a little baby in there. “No!” She sharply replied. I let out a sigh of frustration. Once again, my hope had been squelched.  The test came back fine, but I was getting more restless with why I couldn’t get pregnant. During this time the Lord through a variety of circumstances lead my husband and I back to the United States after two years of serving in England. This was quite difficult because I enjoyed living and serving in England. I packed the souvenirs I had bought for my baby’s Peter Rabbit nursery I was planning. I thought, “Maybe the Lord is sending us back to America because He is going to give us a family when we return.”

I can remember the following vividly. It was Tuesday, May 4, 2010 the last day before we were to fly to the U.S.A. We were supposed to be walking out the door to attend our farewell service at the church. I was just gathering a few last minute cards and gifts to give to the children and sweet families we love in England. The phone rang. I looked at the clock, it was 4:00. We were running late. My husband answered the phone – it was the doctor’s office. Time stood still. Through the phone we were told we had no human hope of ever having children. My emotions were already in high gear from saying goodbye to countless friends that day, and both my husband and I put the news in the back of our minds as we walked out the door broken. On my way to the church I thought, “They must have made a mistake, maybe something got mixed-up. God, I am serving YOU!” I was convinced the Lord would answer our prayers when we returned to America. That night was terrible. My heart was broken over being told we wouldn’t have children, and broken again that we were leaving the people we loved. The rest of the night was filled with tears and hugs. After the service, we returned home for just a few hours before leaving early the next morning for the airport. Once the whirlwind of last minute cleaning, packing, and preparation were over and I was in my airplane seat I couldn’t even think or feel anything. I was numb. “What just happened in those 24 hours?” I thought. We stepped off the plane to be greeted by friends and family who had no clue what was going on. I threw myself in my parent’s arms. I needed so much love and approval, I wanted to know everything was going to be alright. It wasn’t until much later that they would know just how much my heart was aching. I was scheduled to speak at a Ladies Meeting two days after we arrived. To this day I don’t even remember what I said.
My hurt was deep. My head cloudy. I put a guard around my feelings and refused to believe what my husband and I had been told. I was basically in denial. I would think about it occasionally, but the thought was just too overwhelming. I would sit in church and cry through the hymn that says, “how sweet to hold a newborn baby”. I was confused – why would a good God do this to me? I wanted answers, but God wanted me to wait and trust Him. That is exactly what I did. I prayed. I trusted.

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Yesterday's Dreams

I just couldn’t wait until I had a baby of my own! It’s interesting the things God allows you to remember. During my teenage years I remember saying to my mom, “My worst fear is not being able to have children.” I wanted children so badly that perhaps it was wrong. I thought maybe God would take this away from me because my desire was so strong. Then I would think of Psalm 84:11, “…no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” I desired to serve God, and I thought He wouldn’t withhold something so precious from me if I was giving Him my life. In God’s divine plan He had something planned, something perfect.

I attended a Christian college, majored in Elementary Education, and couldn’t wait for the day I would teach my children at home. I met the most wonderful man, who was raised in a large family and wanted a house full of little ones too! After three years of dating, we were married in June 2006. We eagerly anticipated the future we thought was before us.

It’s rather amusing as I look back on our first year of marriage. We both knew we were not ready for a family and we decided it would be best to wait for awhile before starting a family. Deep down inside, my hope was already building as I would think about holding a little baby in my arms. Every time I was a day late, I would purchase a pregnancy test…my hope and anticipation was building. A year later, I had the most amazing year teaching third grade in a private school. I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter of my life and we thought we were ready to start a family. Every time I felt the least bit queasy I thought it was morning sickness – I kept thinking it’s going to happen soon.
 In the meantime, the Lord directed our paths to minister in a church in England. I was thinking, “This is great– my first child will be born in England!” I packed up my classroom thinking the next time I would open those boxes it would be for my own children. It was during this time someone told us it would be best not to have children while we were missionaries in England. My husband did not tell me this however until a year later, so of course we were still trying. Let me say, having a family is a very personal decision. It is something the husband and wife should discuss as they seek the Lord for guidance, not something that necessarily needs public approval. God is ultimately the giver of life. Besides making me extremely irritated that anyone would be so rude, I was becoming more anxious as the years slipped away. It became an obsession with me. I planned. I calculated. I prayed. I hoped. I planned some more. I had our baby stroller picked out. I was ready! Why wasn’t God allowing us to have a child? It seemed month after month my hopes were squelched. I did quite a bit of research and thought maybe something was just not right. Of course, never thinking it would be something major. At this point I trusted God was in control and had a perfect plan, but I couldn’t see why He would withhold a good desire from me.

We welcome you to leave comments! Due to the sensitive nature of this website please do not disclose any identifying information about Kevin or Anna (e.g. last name, places of residence, and employment or school history). Thank you